An improbable, but interesting and (perhaps) doable conference-saving strategy to save the PAC....

Someone better give Spud his heart attack meds (sorry, Spud!) before he checks out this map of Dixon Rec (sorry, Spud!) that OSU (sorry, Spud!) is distributing:

Cardio?!!?!??!  Gym?!?!?!?!?  Multi?!??!?!?!?

How can one person decipher such incomprehensible gibberish?

Spud, my boy, I bet that you're all over everyone that calls those things that they wear on their legs "pants," too.  Heathens!

Coeds?  Co-ops?  Dorms?  Grads?  Math?  Profs?  Pshaw.  What are you, an idiot?

Don't tell Spud that you're going to a deli to order anything with mayo.  He will burn that place to the ground with you in it!

If you ask Spud for decaf, expect at least a five-minute dress down.

Email!  Spud won't provide them that information without it being properly spelled out in full!

Spud's started the letter-writing campaign to get the Expos to move to Washington and change their name, just so they would stop calling them the wrong name!  He has since started one up for the Mets!  Don't mess with spud!

Spud's against fracking!  He is going to stop it, just to avoid the obvious abbreviation.

Spud has stopped using the refrigerator, because everyone keeps calling it fridge.  I mean, "Can you believe the nerve?"

And don't even get spud started about people calling 'em abs, glutes, and pecs.  Grab a torch and pitchfork!

And those are not ads on TV, they are advertisements!

And bikes, bras, and bros!  Don't even get Spud started!

Commies, cons, condos, cred, kilos, and kleptos.  Not in Spud's house!

Spud has never been a "fan" of anything or bought into any "hype."  He definitely does not care what their "rep" is.  "Spell out the damn word," he says.  And, if you really want him to lose it, tell him that one of his "fav" players has gone "pro."

Cheese it; it's the Feds.  Spud stopped everything mid-heist to explain to Fat Tony, why Fat Tony was wrong.  Fat Tony then tried to go legit, so Spud put one into his kneecap.  They started to chase after Spud, because he was the perp, but, fortunately, Spud was able to talk to the Feds about why they were wrong to call him that.

Spud speeds past "gas" stations.  The gall!  The hubris!  The nerve!  Spud had to go electric.

At his Super Bowl party, someone asked for some guac, and Spud had to ask him to leave before things got "violent."  And when that guy called Spud a "psycho," Spud started to throw hands.

Chimps explore their new digs at the zoo's Primate Forest
Rhino Ridge

Spud immediately boycotts the Portland Zoo.  (Of course, he was already boycotting because of the use of the word "Zoo.")

Hippo

And the Wildlife Safari.

He had to walk out of Raiders of the Lost Ark, once Brody started calling Indiana "Indy."  And if you call it "Raiders" without mentioning the ark or that it's lost, expect to receive a very nasty letter.

NBC (which isn't called that) has screwed up the name of the Indy 500 for four consecutive years.  Expect it to be five after this year.  Spud's letters have not yet stopped this abomination!  But give Spud time.

Sarge played the sax a little out of sync in San Fran.  He was wearing his camo (or was it a tux?), and finished by saying "Semper Fi!"  Spud thought about sending off a letter to the DOD but did not want to escalate the situation further.

They brought a "limo" to pick Spud up at the airport last time.  When that failed, they called him a "taxi."  When that failed, he ultimately had to rent his own car.

Spud's favorite meal always was mac 'n' cheese and a Coke.  Then, after college, he never could bring himself to keep either down and had to change his diet.  He thought about lipo but never could go through with it.

Photo, piano, pic, and polio.  Oh my!

The horse long since died, but I wanted to make sure that it was sufficiently beaten afterwards.  I probably could expand upon this, but I lost interest a couple of minutes ago.  Excuse the typos!  Except for you, Spud, because I know that you are incapable of doing so.