Sal Monella's "The Night Before Christmas"

Twas da night before Christmas, and all tru da block
Not a creature was stirrin, not even Ed Koch

Da stockins were hung, by da furnace wit care
In hopes that by mornin, they'd all still be dere

Me and dis skank was gettin ready for bed
I wore pajamas.....She had a paper bag for her head

When up on da roof I heard dis big crash
Thought it was burgular, I was gonna kick ass

I went out on da firescape, Looked up in da sky
And what did I see..... but Dis freakin fat guy

Wit a red suit and boots, Dat came up to his knees
In da moonlight he looked Just like Dom Deluise

He had a big sled Pulled by deese reindeer
He called one of them dancer - So I assumed he was queer

As he crept off the roof It became clear to me
Dat dis guy was looking To steal my TV

Over his shoulder He had a big sack
He came down the stairs as I planned my attack

I waited a second Until the time had seem ripe
Smacked him in da head Badda-bing wit a pipe

He fell to da floor Wit a groan and a tud
I was kinda surprised Dat I didnt see blood

Instead, he rolled over, looked me in da eye
When I seen who'd I d hit, I near started to cry

I said "Yo Santa ,, I'm sorry, aright?
Not for nuttin he said "But this ain't my night"

"I got lost in da Bronx, I ran over some nuns,
Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolph's got da runs"

I'm out all freakin night, Bustin my hump
But I cant continue now, Not wit dis bump

So do me a favor and be a real pal
Take over for me, and be Santa, Sal

I said, "Yo I'm from Brooklyn, I aint right for da part"
But he said bein Santa Claus comes from da heart

He made me an offer I couldnt refuse......
Stop at every house..........
'cept for da Jews

I got into da suit and stepped onto the sleigh
Wondering just why reindeer smelled dat way

Took off on my mission, Didnt wanna be late
While ol' St Nick spended the night Hosin' my date

Dat night I was Santa Bringin kids joy and bliss
And if you dont believe me......

Then hey, JINGLE DIS

Since then I've been wit him Each year in da cold
Ridin shotgun wit Santa......Cause he's fat and he's old

I'm his number one helper, I've been deputized....
So on dis Christmas eve, Don't youse be surprised

If you hear a voice say Real loud and abrup.....
Merry Christmas to all

Thanks alot-- Shut up!!!